The opposite of nothing is a lot of something.

Namely pooh. I warned you about the previous post and I really didn’t think it was too bad. This time is considerably worse and it even sickens me.

Why write it at all then? So I can shame my daughter on her 16th birthday by showing it to all of her friends.

Last night, my well intentioned husband mentioned that I should take some MoM prophylactically. I thought he could be right so I did. This turned out to be an intense mistake. Let me build up to it first.

We went to bed sometime around 10 after a wonderful backrub (lovely husband). In the early part of the night, Ian rolls over me to look for “my plate”. He is asleep and dreaming out loud. I gently push him back to his side and tell him there is no plate. An hour or two later, he gets up and walks to my side of the bed looking for “my plate”. I tell him there’s no plate, that he’s dreaming, and to get back into bed. With sleepy frustration, he does. At some point, he has a monologue of no intelligible content directed at me (I can only assume about the lack of plates up here). He settles back down and sleeps like a dead thing.

I have set the stage, now it is time to finish toying with you guys. At around 3Am, the MoM kicks in. All of the sudden. I barely make it to the bathroom before my behind gives birth to the Niagra of pooh in all it’s loud and gushing horror. I clog the toilet immediately and am moaning from the agony that is my body.

Ian is asleep.

I turn on the lights and rush downstairs to get the plunger before there is another eruption. I am biting my lips and sweating profusely. I get to the bathroom, grab the plunger, and bolt back upstairs before I make such a mess we have to sell the house over it.

Ian is asleep.

I unclog the toilet and then abuse it repeatedly with my bodily functions, flushing about every 1 – 2 minutes. More groaning and wailing. The cat comes in for a second to see what all the racket is and quickly removes herself with an expression of kitty disgust.

Ian is asleep.

This whole process (pooh, flush, repeat) lasts a good hour. I am white as a sheet when it finally comes to an end. I crawl back to bed, muttering about the poor timing of my GI system in general. I am exhausted.

Ian is asleep.


2 responses to “The opposite of nothing is a lot of something.

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